dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
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The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
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That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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