His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
