plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
