There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
