I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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