so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
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Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
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You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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