yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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