Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
whose parrot is this?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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