Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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