Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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