i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
