for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
