my soul wont recognize me after tonight
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Randomize