mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
