As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
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i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
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There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.