Texts From Last Night

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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)

  (512): View more from Texas

  Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.

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  (504): if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever) (512): Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them. http://tfl.nu/9n19
  Replies (3) Good night (1071) Bad night (475)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

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  (302): she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to => http://tfl.nu/cnq4
  Replies (52) Good night (779) Bad night (10237)
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  (925): View more from California

  Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.

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  (925): Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab. http://tfl.nu/xv4n
  Replies (19) Good night (5051) Bad night (1126)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.

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  (214): I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some. http://tfl.nu/ig2r
  Replies (8) Good night (3999) Bad night (823)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night

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  (817): i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night http://tfl.nu/17kd
  Replies (11) Good night (1259) Bad night (6096)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?

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  (608): do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life? http://tfl.nu/au0e
  Replies (13) Good night (5163) Bad night (1036)
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  (772): View more from Florida

  The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.

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  (772): The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle. http://tfl.nu/irdh
  Replies (12) Good night (3982) Bad night (1426)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes

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  (203): Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes http://tfl.nu/04zg
  Replies (10) Good night (1146) Bad night (567)
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.

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  (218): Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county. http://tfl.nu/h5dk
  Replies (12) Good night (1377) Bad night (677)
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  (415): View more from California

  The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.

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  (415): The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes. http://tfl.nu/qcrt
  Replies (4) Good night (1280) Bad night (606)
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  (331): View more from Illinois

  My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

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  (331): My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good. http://tfl.nu/opzi
  Replies (17) Good night (5308) Bad night (706)
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  (915): View more from Texas

  With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.

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  (915): With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else. http://tfl.nu/6thd
  Replies (7) Good night (1372) Bad night (560)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.

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  (+44): I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye. http://tfl.nu/9vv3
  Replies (5) Good night (1557) Bad night (1916)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen

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  (720): I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen http://tfl.nu/240v
  Replies (4) Good night (545) Bad night (331)
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  (818): View more from California

  It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket

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  (818): It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket http://tfl.nu/tfcl
  Replies (0) Good night (272) Bad night (647)

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