Texts From Last Night

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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"

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  (613): I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!" http://tfl.nu/plpd
  Replies (11) Good night (5516) Bad night (1354)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.

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  (256): There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it. http://tfl.nu/68k2
  Replies (17) Good night (910) Bad night (3290)
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  (315): View more from New York

  Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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  (315): Hello wreck, this is your train calling. http://tfl.nu/qxsk
  Replies (13) Good night (5837) Bad night (1450)
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  (516): View more from New York

  id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

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  (516): id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though http://tfl.nu/r22j
  Replies (8) Good night (6142) Bad night (1106)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.

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  (901): I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko. http://tfl.nu/cca0
  Replies (8) Good night (3068) Bad night (1108)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.

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  (240): im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself. http://tfl.nu/qkn1
  Replies (2) Good night (1011) Bad night (2460)
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"

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  (712): she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays" http://tfl.nu/bldx
  Replies (4) Good night (2551) Bad night (980)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.

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  (217): 3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa. http://tfl.nu/7ujo
  Replies (2) Good night (1521) Bad night (648)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...

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  (502): I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it... http://tfl.nu/upfp
  Replies (14) Good night (1961) Bad night (1225)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.

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  (412): Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently. http://tfl.nu/q1xe
  Replies (1) Good night (1069) Bad night (880)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.

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  (713): Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair. http://tfl.nu/2yyf
  Replies (8) Good night (514) Bad night (1239)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.

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  (407): This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve. http://tfl.nu/1f06
  Replies (3) Good night (676) Bad night (305)
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"

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  (774): We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole" http://tfl.nu/4a1v
  Replies (2) Good night (754) Bad night (310)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober

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  (630): I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober http://tfl.nu/x3cq
  Replies (1) Good night (324) Bad night (415)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament

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  (508): dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament http://tfl.nu/tmjc
  Replies (2) Good night (628) Bad night (106)

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