you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
