Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
