a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
i just sent this text using only my big toe
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
