I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
