allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
