Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
