Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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