i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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