i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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