My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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