My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
