weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
