Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
