what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
