I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
