I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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