ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
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the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
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All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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