i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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