My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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