I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
