Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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