How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
