Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
