Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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