I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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