I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
