i may or may not be watching the land before time
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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