i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
