Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
