Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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