I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
