How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
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Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
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So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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