don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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