he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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