Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
