WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she woke up with a sticky ear
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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