I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
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We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
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My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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