How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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