i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I need to sanitize my soul.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
